Saturday, September 21, 2013

Kim Kap Whan in EIT / 201003958 / for September 24th, Tuesday 11 A.M. Class / 1st Draft

A SUPERMAN ― FLY HIGH UP IN THE SKY !! 

 

    I originally hate a snake. There are three things I really hate. a centipede, a cockroach, and a snake. The way a snake creeps and sticks its tongue out and peeves is really loathsome. At the mere thought of it, I automatically get sick. Through scientific findings, nowadays many good characteristics about a snake have been revealed. But I still cannot have a good impression about it.  

 

  I was born and grew up in the peaceful countryside village surrounded by mountains on three sides. In front, there was a beautiful open sea. At the bottom of the mountains, there were green fields where lots of lawn and grass grows. Looking back on those irreplaceable good old days, I really want to go back to the world on a time machine which was not only my little kingdom but also had so many good memories. But sometimes life is not as glorious as it seems. 

 

  One bright, beautiful Sunday morning in autumn, I was a middle school student. I climbed up a mountain. Actually, some children from the village used to go to the mountain, to the field, to the hill, and so on, alone or in groups to play outside or for other purposes if the weather was good. But the day, I climbed up all alone to pick and greedily eat some kind of fruit called 어름 in Korean, but I am not sure whether the word is a standard language or a dialect. Also I cannot find a proper English word for it. If I explain briefly, it is very much like a banana in shape, but the taste is not the same. I think 어름 is the sweetest in the world whose tree yields fruit only in September and October. After then, you cannot find any of the fruit, so it is better to eat the fruit as much as possible. As you can easily expect by now, I gleefully picked and ate a lot of the fruit until my belly almost exploded. It tasted much more delicious because I ate secretly by myself. But the unexpected and inevitable reversal was waiting for me. The world seemed to stand by my side until I felt an unagreeable feeling.  

 

  After the feast, I prepared to climb down the mountain. The mountainside consisted of grass, small rocks, and soil, and there were not paved pathways. To climb down, I had to take only one way which was narrow and made from soil. Pleasantly and triumphantly, I started to run. Another reason I ran was that the way was a little steep. I could not feel a strange feeling until I took a few steps. Literally out of the blue sky, in front of me, I was encountered with a poisonous snake which was coiling itself just a couple of feet away, but because of the accelerated speed, I could not control my steps. At the very moment because of fear, I could not tell where my heart was. Maybe in the mouth or in the throat. Anyway, in a very very short period of time, maybe a millionth of second, I had to choose my course of action. I felt I needed the intelligence of Albert Einstein and the ability of the Superman to overcome the obstacle. I decided to take advantage of the situation instead of being in dispair. Using the acceleration, I jumped over the snake higher than any other high jumper in the whole world. Suddenly, I could find myself flying in the sky over the snake. If you practiced high jump under this kind of situation, you would be a gold-medalist in Olympics. Then I ran home directly like a bullet shot out of a gun. And the horrible experience offset all of my pleasure of eating the fruit. I even lost the appetite. 

 

  Nowaday, sometimes I recall those days. I no longer live there, but the place is my hometown. One day, if I find an opportunity to go there, I want to heroically face with the snake. I would not need to be so nervous or scared any more.

4 comments:

  1. To Kap-whan Kim
    From 201001450 Hyun-ju Park
    Assignment Week 3, Essay.


    1.What I like about this piece of writing is …

    The first line was short and unique, so I was interested what it would be like the whole essay. And it is one of strongpoint of this essay. And I liked to read many vivid descriptions which made me picture while reading how that moment would be like, even I did not have any idea of the place or situation the writer explained in the essay.

    2.Your main point seems to be …

    I think the writer wanted to describe and recall his childhood which he spent in his hometown where he described beautifully in the essay. And he showed the specific moment that he started to hate snakes according to his past experience.

    3.These particular words or lines struck me as powerful: Words or lines I like them because …

    1. I felt I needed the intelligence of Albert Einstein and the ability of the Superman to overcome the obstacle.

    Reason
    - I thought that this kind of wish was so cute and would only be imagined by the child. Anyway, it was felt unusual for me to use this kind of experession.

    2. I originally hate a snake.

    Reason
    - I think it’s a good introduction. It’s short and powerful in my opinion. I think this kind of introduction will make readers curious about what story goes next and make them read more.

    3. Looking back on those irreplaceable good old days, I really want to go back to the world on a time machine which was not only my little kingdom but also had so many good memories.

    Reason
    - I like the way the writer depicts his hometown and his old memories and misses that time. This line is his honest feeling about the world which has changed a lot now compared to the past.

    4.Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear,
    supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):Lines or parts Need improving because…

    1. But the day, I climbed up all alone to pick and greedily eat some kind of fruit called 어름 in Korean, but I am not sure whether the word is a standard language or a dialect. Also I cannot find a proper English word for it.

    Reason
    -Umm.. I don’t think this line is needed. He could have just explained that it’s a kind of fruit in his hometown. Also, I think 어름 which is in Korean letter is needed to be changed to English letter even though it is Korean word.

    2. I think 어름 is the sweetest in the world whose tree yields fruit only in September and October. After then, you cannot find any of the fruit, so it is better to eat the fruit as much as possible.

    Reason
    -In the same context as the first, I think these sentences are getting off the text and subject. It will be better remove the explanation of the fruit.



    5.The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to ….

    -Remove some unnecessary information from the essay like the part which explains about fruit. And writer needs to stick to the topic and try to write things relevant to what he wants to say as a subject in the whole text.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 201102861 Huyoung Lee

    1. What was one detail that made this experience seem real to you?
    In the fourth paragraph, you described your feeling as '...I could not tell where my heart was. Maybe in the mouth or in the throat,' and that was very unique and interesting. I could exactly feel how you were so astonished and embarrassed about the snake.

    2. Were there any places where you got confused? If so, where were they?
    You said that you had started to run as you had climbed down the mountain, but why? You said that another reason for running was because the way had been a little steep, then what's the primary reason? I was just curious about this part because of 'another' reason. It would be easy to understand if you clarified why you had run in the first place, as the readers might be confused and misunderstood.

    3.Reread the first paragraph of the essay. Do you think this is a good beginning? Does it make you feel like reading on? Explain.
    I think the beginning is quite interesting enough to catch the readers' attention. It occurs to me that I would really want to know why you hate snakes so much. I have a one suggestion though: What about combining the last two sentences together? I just thought that the second sentence from the end is interrupting the flow of your beginning. So if you combined them, it would be easier to understand the correlation and the readers would be more concentrated on your writing. This is just an example: Though science have found that snakes have many good characteristics, I still don't like them.

    4. What basic verb tense does the writer use? If the writer changes tense, is the tense change appropriate?
    There are mainly present and past tenses in your writing, and I don't think you need to change them. It's good enough in its state.

    5. What would you like to know more about when the writer revises?
    Reading your writing, I was really curious about how the snake looked like. It would make the readers more thrilled and so concentrated if you describes the snake and your feelings in more detail. I really loved the expressions and metaphor you used in the last part of the fourth paragraph: Einstein, Superman, high jumper, gold-medalist and bullet shout out of gun. They were so funny and unique that I could vividly imagine the scene. It makes your writing special. So if you use your own expression in adding the details, it would be much more improved.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kim Kap Whan in EIT / 201003958 / for October 1th, Tuesday 11 A.M. Class / final draft -1

    A SUPERMAN ― FLY HIGH UP IN THE SKY !!

    There are three things I really hate: a centipede, a cockroach, and a snake.
    Among them, I particularly hate a snake. The way a snake creeps and sticks its tongue out and peeves is really loathsome. At the mere thought of it, I automatically get sick. Nowadays many good characteristics about a snake have been revealed through scientific findings, but I still cannot have a good impression about it. That’s because I hold a special hatred for a snake from birth, and I don’t know why.
    I was born and grew up in the peaceful countryside village surrounded by mountains on three sides. In front, there was a beautiful open sea. At the bottom of the mountains, there were green fields where lots of lawn and grass grows. Looking back on those irreplaceably good old days, I really want to go back to the world on a time machine at any moment, which was not only my little kingdom but also had so many good memories. Some children from the village would go to the mountain, to the field, to the hill, and so on, alone or in groups to play outside or for other purposes if the weather was good. But sometimes life was not as glorious as it might seem.
    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning in autumn when I was a middle school student, about at the age of 14 or 15. I climbed up a mountain all alone to pick and greedily eat some kind of fruit called 어름 in Korean, but I am not sure whether the word is a standard language or a dialect even now. Also I cannot find a proper English word for it. If I explain briefly, it is very much like a banana in shape, but the taste is not the same. I think 어름 is the sweetest in the world, whose tree yields fruit only in September and October. After then, you cannot find any of the fruit, so it is better to eat the fruit as much as possible. As you can expect by now, I gleefully picked and ate a lot of the fruit until my belly almost exploded. It tasted much more delicious because I ate secretly by myself. The whole world seemed to stand by my side until I felt an unagreeable feeling. But the unexpected and inevitable reversal was waiting for me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kim Kap Whan in EIT / 201003958 / for October 1th, Tuesday 11 A.M. Class / final draft -1

    After the feast, I prepared to climb down the mountain. The mountainside consisted of grass, small rocks, and soil, and there were not paved pathways. To climb down, I had to take only one way which was narrow and made from soil. Pleasantly and triumphantly, I started to return home, running. The reason for running was that I already achieved my purpose by now and I felt a sense of fear from being alone. Another reason I ran was that the way was very steep, so I couldn’t control the speed. I didn’t feel a strange feeling until I took a few steps. Literally out of the blue sky, in front of me, I was encountered with a yellowish and brownish poisonous snake which was coiling itself just a couple of feet away, but because of the accelerated speed, I couldn’t control my steps. At the very moment, because of a panic of death from being bitten by a snake, I couldn’t tell where my heart was, whether in the mouth or in the throat. Anyway, in a very very short period of time, maybe within a millionth of second, I had to choose my course of action. I needed another sixth sense to overcome the obstacle. I felt I needed the intelligence of Albert Einstein and the ability of Superman. I decided to take advantage of the situation instead of being in dispair. Using the acceleration, I jumped over the snake higher than any other high jumper in the world. Suddenly, I could find myself flying in the sky over the snake. If you practiced high jump under this kind of situation, you would be a gold-medalist in Olympics. Then I ran home directly like a bullet shot out of a gun, but the horrible experience offset so miserably all of my pleasure of eating the fruit that I almost forgot the fact that I ate the fruit. I even lost appetite.
    Nowaday, sometimes I recall mixed feelings of those days. I no longer live there, but like it or not, the place is still my hometown. One day, if I find an opportunity to go there, I want to heroically face with the snake. I would not need to be so nervous or scared any more.

    ReplyDelete