Saturday, September 21, 2013

Rho Ryun/201001081/week3,Chapter 2/Tuesday 11 a.m.

I thought I am a good swimmer until I was almost drowned. This accident happened while I was traveling Australia, 2009. I went to Gold Coast, beautiful beach located near Brisbane, to swim. A cloudless sky allows the beach sparkled. The beach seemed like a gold-wave. It was a perfect day for every mankind to swim in a Gold Coast. The exotic atmosphere the beach gave also encourage me to swim. So I went to swim. Everything was perfect. I did not even know how many times had passed. Since the water in front of the coast was too shallow, I decided to go farther. I was about 25 meters away from the coast because I thought I am a good swimmer.

           Suddenly, the sky changed its color. The bright-gold colored sunshine disappeared and the dark-gray color clouds came up. Moreover, raindrops fall on the surface of the ocean and it make wave angry. So, I tried to swim heading to the coast but the angry wave push me away from the coast. I swam and swam again but the distance became farther. I could not even reach my feet to the ground. So I was panicked. I thought I am going to die.

           Luckily, one of Coast guards found me and saved me. I gave thanks with my full of heart to him. Because I drank too much sea water, I tried to leave the coast to drink something. In that moment, an Australia broadcasting company's interviewer came to me and ask me to answer their questions. There are many questions and I answered their question and leave. In the night time when I cooked my dinner in YHA (Youth Hostels Association) cooking room, I could see a man in a television who interview with his face frown because of the reason only I could know.

 

4 comments:

  1. From Saewhan to Ryun

    1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you tried to use as many vivid words as you could.

    2. Your main point seems to be a memory regarding your swimming accident.

    3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:

    "Suddenly, the sky changed its color"
    (I liked this phrase because it sounded poetic and expressed the urgency really well.)

    "The bright-gold colored sunshine"
    (Another vivid expression)

    4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, and writing not lively):

    (None)

    5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to avoid small grammatical mistakes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. To Ryun From Haeun

    1.What I like is that you tried to vividly describe your feelings.

    2.Your main point seems to be very clear.

    3. These particular words struck me as powerful.

    "the bright gold colored sunshine disappeared"
    I like them because it describes well and I can vividly picture that moment in my head.

    "I thought I am going to die"
    I think it describes the dept of devastation that you felt during that moment.

    4. I could see a man in a television who interview with his face frown because of the reason only I could know

    I couldn't quite understand this part so, if you make it clearer I believe it would be helpful for the readers.

    5. I think at the end of the writing, if you had elaborate more on how this experience changed and why this experience is important to you now, it would been better.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To Rho Ryun From Hanna
    1. "I swam and swam again but the distance became farther. I could not even reach my feet to the ground. So I was panicked. ." was one detail that made this experience seem real to me.

    2.the places where I got confused:
    "Because I drank too much sea water, I tried to leave the coast to drink something." I can not understand why you want to drink something after you drop into the sea? Don't you feel retch and want to vomit?

    3.I think your first draft is a good beginning because you know what you want to show to the readers, and every paragraph has a good point to support your main idea.ex:I thought I am a good swimmer until I was almost drownedThis accident happened while I was traveling Australia, 2009. I went to Gold Coast, beautiful beach located near Brisbane, to swim." the introduction which you write is clear. It is good.

    4.the basic tense is past tense.No, if the writer change the tense is not appropriate.

    5.I want to know more about the writer's thinking whe the writer revises. what does the writer learned from the experience. And does the writer can swim well without fear...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Rho- Final draft.

    I thought I am a good swimmer until I was almost drowned. This accident happened while I was traveling Australia, 2009. I went to Gold Coast, beautiful beach located near Brisbane. A cloudless sky allows the beach sparkled. The beach seemed like a gold-wave. It was a perfect day for every mankind to swim in a Gold Coast. The exotic atmosphere the beach gave also encourage me to swim. So I went to swim. Everything was perfect. I did not even notice how much time had passed. Since the water in front of the coast was too shallow, I decided to go farther. I was about 25 meters away from the coast because I thought I am a good swimmer.
    Suddenly, the sky changed its color. The bright-gold colored sunshine disappeared and the dark-gray color clouds came up. Moreover, raindrops fell on the surface of the ocean and it made wave angry. So, I tried to swim heading to the coast but the angry wave push me away from the coast. I swam and swam again but the distance became farther. I could not even reach my feet to the ground. So I was panicked. I thought I am going to die. My whole energies were gone, I felt exhausted, and the distance between me and the coast became farther and farther. Also, because of the angry wave, I drank too much sea water and it gave me dizziness. It seemed there was no hope left for me. People on the coast escaped from the angry ocean looks so small and I was in the middle of the ocean alone.
    When I almost about to give up my hope to be rescued, I could barely see a man coming to me. He was one of the Coast Guards but he looked like a Superman in my eyes. After he grabbed me, he swam to the coast. I was tremble at that time. Finally I arrived at the coast with the help of my hero. I gave thanks with my full of heart to him. Because I drank too much sea water, I tried to leave the coast to drink something. In that moment, an Australia broadcasting company's interviewer came to me and required me to answer. The question was about my fear when I left alone in the middle of the sea. I do not even remember what I answered now because I was almost out of my mind at that time.
    In the night time, I was making a dinner in YHA (Youth Hostels Association) cooking room with some of foreigners there and one of them called me over. He pointed a television, and I could see my face in the television. It was shameful but funny at the same time.


    PS- I try hard to think about the lesson I got from this experience, but it gave no lesson :( I chose this topic because I could describe it well. It was just shocking moment in my life. My attitude toward my life have been same before and after the experience. Thank you though. You guys make me think.

    ReplyDelete