Saturday, September 21, 2013

Saewhan/Tue 11am/2nd Assignment

  In Korea, being a man requires some obligations that no healthy and normal person could dodge. Among them is to serve our nation through mandatory military services for two years. So I did, as most of my colleges, join the military in 2009 leaving all my friends, family and secularistic ways of life in college behind. Now that I'm writing an essay on my desk after a couple of years since I finished with the service recalling the memories happened in the Korea-America military base in Yongsan, this particular memory fleshed through my head, which probably will never be forgotten for the rest of my life.

  It was a Friday night in early 2009 when I endlessly awaited in my barrack for the day I will walk out of the army base and do whatever I want jettisoning all the army regulations and creeds injected into my head. Since I, then, was a sergeant, meaning that, at least in the barrack, I enjoyed a colossal amount of power and authority over enlisted soldiers. Plus, as a KATUSA, Korean Augmentation Troops to the United States Army, relatively relaxing culture on the weekends lay in front of me. Then, my fellow American soldier knocked the door and suggested to go clubbing at Itaewon, the place of dazzling neon signs, bars and clubs, the motherland of  youth and passion. I followed his suggestion with great alacrity and picked up the best civilian clothes in my military closet and headed to the subway station. Until then, I had no idea what a terrible thing would happen.

  My colleague led the way to a club with a long-standing ticket queue wanting to spend the most fabulous night in Friday. We entered the club, ordered a bottle of tequila and started soaking up the booze. The music at the club was so laud and I got a little bit tipsy, leading to more booze and dancing. I probably drunk almost a half of the bottle after that or maybe not. Mysterious remains it still today since in the night I got totally blacked out. The more daunting is that when I woke up the next morning, I was in a military hospital with a patient gown and headache consistently pierced through my brain. All my seniors and fellow soldiers in my platoon came to visit my ward and later my parents also came with a special visit card. I felt like I was stuffed in a bird cage inviting visitors to examine my entire existence. It was so humiliating -and painful- and, after all, I couldn't stand to imagine that a cascade of corrective action by my seniors would decorate my latter year in the army. This embarrassing memory of mine persists in my head and serves as a wake-up call whenever I found myself drink too much.        

5 comments:

  1. 201102861 Huyoung Lee

    1. What I like about this piece of writing is your using of words. I think you chose some unique words that are not very common and that added specialty to your writing.

    2. Your main point seems to be your embarrassing experience in the military.

    3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful: I felt like I was stuffed in a bird cage inviting visitors to examine my entire existence. It's not very easy to convey the scene and the feelings exactly, but reading this sentence I could vividly imagine the scene and how you felt then. Also the expression was quite interesting.

    4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively): Why were you in the hospital after the blackout? What happened to you? Maybe you don't remember but any comments from your fellows? And why were you so embarrassed? It would be far much better if you add some more details about your experience.

    5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is the arrangement. Your main point seems to be your embarrassing experience but it feels like that it is relatively weak. Maybe you could remove some parts that are not necessary and add some more details into the experience part so that the readers could focus more on your story.

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  2. An yumi

    A funny piece of writing! I really enjoyed reading your writing. I think the most powerful reason that I enjoyed reading it was the way you describe your feeling and situaition. It was very funny. You chose the words which were really good to describe your feeling and situation in a funny and interesting way. Your main point seems to be what happened to drunken you that night and how embarrased you were. I found there were many parts I really liked: such as "creeds injected into my head," "the best civilian clothes in my military closet," "headache consistently pierced through my brain," "I was stuffed in a bird cage." Those expressions showed who you were, and what situation you were in without a direct information. However, some parts aren't clear to me. It could be only me, but I think I didn't get the meaning of the first sentence perfectly. And the second sentence in the second paragraph. There are too many commas. It made me hard to digest the sentence. If I should recommand you change two things in your writing, First, I would say give more in the end. Your introduction is great but I cannot help feeling that the end is weaker that the start. Second, your sentences tend to be a bit longer. I know in some parts it is unavoidable, but in some parts it makes me a little bit hard to understand your funny story.

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  3. Ha Eun Park

    1. What was one detail that made this experience real to you?

    Specific description of the situation made it very real for me. Out of all the expressions, the process of fellow American soldier asking him to go out on a Friday night.

    2. Were there any places where you got confused?

    The last paragraph seems unclear to me. Especially " I probably drunk almost a half of the bottle after that or maybe not. Mysterious remains it still today since in the night I got totally blacked out. The more daunting is that when I woke up the next morning, I was in a military hospital with a patient gown and headache consistently pierced through my brain."

    I understand the meaning but I want to know why you used particular expressions.

    3. Reread the first paragraph of the essay. Do you think it is a food beginning?

    I think it is a good beginning. As soon as I read the first sentence I realized that the writing was going to be good because of the choice of words.

    4.What basic verb tense did the writer use? If the writer changes the tense, is the tense change appropriate?

    I think the writer mostly used past tense because the experience that the writer is talking about happened in the past.
    I think the change of tense was used properly.

    5. What would you like to know more about when the writer revises?

    I would like to know more about what really happened that night.

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  4. a. What was one detail that made this experience real to you?

    Most of Korean men have to serve military obligation. So, limited time and place condition made this story more vivid. Some expressions like 'a Friday night in early 2009' makes it more specific.

    b. Were there any places where you got confused?

    early 2009 when I endlessly awaited in my barrack for the day I will walk out of the army base and do whatever I want jettisoning all the army regulations and creeds injected into my head. Since I, then, was a sergeant, meaning that, at least in the barrack, I enjoyed a colossal amount of power and authority over enlisted soldiers.
    → you joined the military service in 2009, and this episode seems like it happened one friday in 2009, when you were sergeant, which is highest rank of all soldiers. It might be my lack of understanding, but this part was not clear.

    c. Reread the first paragraph of the essay. Do you think it is a food beginning?

    Yes. I think It's a good beginning to let the readers know what this story would be about.

    d.What basic verb tense did the writer use? If the writer changes the tense, is the tense change appropriate?

    Mostly it was the past tense since the story is about the writer's experience. There was alomost no change in tense.

    e. What would you like to know more about when the writer revises?
    Hmm,, probably, I may want to know what kind of conversations there was at that time. There are a lot of powerful sentences in this essay, so a few dialogs added would lead to a more readable writing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Final Draft

    In Korea, being a man requires some obligations that no healthy and normal person could dodge. Among them is to serve our nation through mandatory military services for two years. So I did, as most of my colleges, join the military in 2009 leaving all my friends, family and secularistic ways of life in college behind. Now that I'm writing an essay on my desk after a couple of years since I finished with the service recalling the memories happened in the Korea-America military base in Yongsan, this particular memory fleshed through my head, which probably will never be forgotten for the rest of my life.

    It was a Friday night in 2011 when I endlessly awaited in my barrack for the day I would walk out of the army base and do whatever I want jettisoning all the army regulations and creeds injected into my head. Since then, I was a sergeant, meaning that, at least in the barrack, I enjoyed a colossal amount of power and authority over enlisted soldiers. Plus, as a KATUSA, Korean Augmentation Troops to the United States Army, I enjoyed the relatively relaxing culture on weekends and often went off post to kill times. Then, my fellow American soldier knocked the door and suggested to go clubbing at Itaewon, the place of dazzling neon signs, bars and clubs, the motherland of youth and passion. I followed his suggestion with great alacrity and picked up the best civilian clothes in my military closet and headed to the subway station. Until then, I had no idea what a terrible thing would happen.

    My colleague led the way to a club with a long-standing ticket queue wanting to spend the most fabulous night on Friday. We entered the club, ordered a bottle of tequila and started soaking up the booze. The music at the club was so laud and I got a little bit tipsy, leading to more booze and dancing. I probably drunk almost a half of the bottle after that or maybe not. I had no memory after that scene since I was totally blacked out, and it still remains mysterious how I ended up being in a military hospital the next morning with a patient gown and headache consistently piercing through my brain. Some possibilities include that I might have fallen down on the ground or bumped up against bullies knocking down my head. At the hospital, all my seniors and fellow soldiers in my platoon came to visit my ward and later my parents also came with a special visit card to the military base. I felt like I was stuffed in a bird cage inviting visitors to examine my entire existence. It was so humiliating -and painful- and, after all, I couldn't stand to imagine that a cascade of corrective actions by my seniors would decorate my latter year in the army. This embarrassing memory of mine persists in my head and serves as a wake-up call whenever I found myself drink too much.

    ReplyDelete