Saturday, September 21, 2013

Yoo Hongsang/experience pg.50/Tue11-01

Why I shaved my head 

 

 

  When I was a freshman, I joined a B-boying(break dance) club. At first, it was pleasant, but over time, the practice was so harsh. Furthermore, all the other members had a previous dancing experience but me. While everyone else played on the stage in the performance team, I kept practicing. I kept practicing even during the summer vacation when some members went back their home for leisure. I could not stop practicing to join the performance team.

 

  One day, there was a party. We drank beers and exchanged some talks. A guy who had kept an eye on me approached and told me.

''I know that you practice hard.''

''Thanks'', I replied.

He said, ''If you shave your head, I will teach you how to do the windmill(one of the b-boying skills).''

Of course, he would probably have said this to encourage me to practice harder. And he would probably have not meant it.

But, I said, ''Yes, sir''

 

  Next day, I went shaved my head and went to the club. Everyone seemed surprised because my hair at that time had been quite long. And the guy who talked to me the day before seemed surprised also. He approached and said to me, ''Are you crazy? Why did you shave your head?''

I replied, ''To learn windmill.''

He said, '' You are so impossible.''

But, I could get closer to everyone from the day. Everyone in the performance team tried to teach new skills, and I practiced hard. And of course, I could master the 'windmill' skill.

 

  And finally I could join the performance team in October, and had my first performance in front of so many people. It was the biggest pride I have of all experience I had.

5 comments:

  1. Peer Feedback Sheet
    1. What I like about this piece of writing is your topic. Your essay gives me a deep impression. I’m very moved by your passion on break dance.
    2. Your main point seems to be
    You have a bunch of passion to learn break dance.
    3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:Words or lines I like them because
    3.1.Next day, I went shaved my head and went to the club. : It reveals your passion on break dance well.
    3.2.I replied, ''To learn windmill.''
    He said, '' You are so impossible.'' : using communication directly, it gives much animation to your essay.
    3.3. It was the biggest pride I have of all experience I had. : your feeling is expressed well in this sentence.

    4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):Lines or parts Need improving because
    4.1. Most of all, I think you have to write more detail about this topic. It is too short.
    4.2. A guy who had kept an eye on me approached and told me. : In this part, I think it is better to write more detail about that guy.

    5.The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is
    The guy is my senior who is a professional in teaching b-boy._like this, you put more detail explaination about that guy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. To Yoo Hongsang From Hanna
    1. I like about your writing because the title of your essay, it attracted my eyes.I want to read more as soon as I saw the title.

    2.your main point seems to be you like break dance and you pay your passion on break dance.

    3.These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
    "I kept practicing even during the summer vacation when some members went back their home for leisure..." I can feel you really like dance and you do not like give up. The point is upon to your essay.
    " Next day, I went shaved my head and went to the club. Everyone seemed surprised because my hair at that time had been quite long. .." it is stronger upon your essay. Finally you made it by your effort.it's quite good.

    4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear,supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
    4.1"When I was a freshman, I joined a B-boying(break dance) club. " the grammar is not strong and not clear. (I joined in a B-boying(break dance) club as I was a freshman to took this source.)
    4.2"beer" is un. you can write it " we drunk some pints of beer"
    4.3 "It was the biggest pride I have of all experience I had." the grammar is not well( It was the biggest pride which I had never experienced)

    5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing :
    you need to write it more details.

    ReplyDelete
  3. from Jeong Hae Joong.
    a. your writing has many conversation. In my view, that's quite helpful to make this paper more real.
    b. in general, some mistakes in grammar are noticeable..
    c. it's not bad but not that much good. but, hmm, to make this more compelling, i'd like to get to know why you joined the club, what made you too passionate about the b-boy to stop dancing or something like that.
    d. basically, he used the past. i also found no problem with the tense.
    e. i think i also said about this in the question c.

    ReplyDelete
  4. From Jieun to Hongsang

    1. What I liked about your writing is your topic. When I saw the title, I assumed the story would be about the military service, but it was about b-boying club! I was so surprised.

    2. Your main point seems to be the difficult path you walked through to be on b-boying stage.

    3. I liked you had many conversations in your writing. It was more realistic.

    4. I think you could combine some of the sentences, since some of them are very short. I think it could improve the readability.

    5. There were some grammar errors. you could fix them to make your piece much better!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why I shaved my head - final draft


    One day when I was a freshman, I saw a break dance performance by accident. I gasped and was surprised by their skills and their passion. The next day, I joined in a B-boying(break dance) club. At first, it was pleasant and a lot of fun. However, over time, the practice was so harsh. Furthermore, all the other members had a previous dancing experience but me. While everyone else played on the stage in the performance team, I kept practicing alone. I kept practicing even during the summer vacation when some members went back their home for leisure. I could not stop practicing to join in the performance team.



    One day, there was a party. We drank beers and exchanged some talks. A guy who was the senior in the performance team approached me. I had not talked with him before, but I knew him anyway. He was very good at dancing, and taught many other members how to dance. As he got close to me, I got very nervous. He talked to me.

    ''I know that you practice hard.''

    ''Thanks'', I replied, a little bit shuddering.

    He said, ''If you shave your head, I will teach you how to do the windmill(one of the b-boying skills).''

    Of course, he would probably have said this to encourage me to practice harder. And he would probably have not meant it.

    But, I said, ''Yes, sir''



    Next day, I shaved my head and went to the club. Everyone seemed surprised because my hair at that time had been quite long. And the guy who talked to me the day before seemed surprised also. He approached and said to me, ''Are you crazy? Why did you shave your head?''

    I replied, ''To learn windmill.''

    He said, '' You are so impossible.''

    But, I could get closer to everyone from the day. Everyone in the performance team tried to teach the new skills, and I practiced hard. And of course, I could master the 'windmill' skill.



    And finally I could join in the performance team in October, and had my first performance in front of so many people. It was the biggest pride I had ever experienced.

    ReplyDelete