(I don't know what's wrong with my email format, it cannot work well,sorry about it )
The first time I felt that I need a bodyguard was two years ago when I as a
language student came to study in Korea for the first time in my life. I have
not known Korean any more and I have been feared in a new country.
One day, I spotted two women in the subway station. They were taking two small
plastic bags with the church brochures in them. They walked up to me without
hesitation, and one of them spoke to me very passionately,"Hi, pretty girl!
Do you know more about Korea Church? We also have the video of Chinese version.
I'll show you now." But I do not care of the cultural of church, the only thinking
of mine was leaving here with impressive speed. Well, they stopped my escape
successfully because they gripped me as soon as possible. I was numb with fear.
My friend's call was rescued me then.
How can I to describe the moment they gripped me! One thing I know that my
friend is the angel who sent to watch over me.
To Hanna / From Rho Ryun(201001081)
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is your funny story. Because I am a Korean, I could understand what is happening, but for you, as a language student, that kind of experience can be scary and that make me laugh.
2. Your main point seems to be the event happened to you between two women from Church.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(The first time I felt that I need a bodyguard was two years ago) I like them because I really want to read your writing as soon as I saw that sentence.
(They stopped my escape successfully) I like them because I think it is funny.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, and writing not lively):
(The first sentence) Need improving because (they are too long. I think it would be better if you put ‘.’ after the "two years ago")
(I have not known Korean any more) Need improving because (the meaning is not clear).
(I have been feared) Need improving because (the meaning is not clear).
(But I do not care of the cultural of church) Need improving because (the meaning is not clear)
(The only thinking of mine) Need improving because (I think it is unnatural)
(Impressive speed) Need improving because (I think there is other words which can describe that moment more efficiently)
(Who sent to watch over me) Need improving because (the meaning is not clear)
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to read many English written books.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that above all it is interesting. Since I am Korean, this kind of new epidsode is very fresh and a lot of fun.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be the event that you felt fear from the people from church.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(One thing I know that my friend is the angel who sent to watch over me)
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, and writing not lively):
(How can I to describe) Need improving because (the grammar is not perfect).
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to revise more correctly.
Hanna // 201203934 // Week 4 final draft // Tues. 11.am. Class
ReplyDeleteThe first time I felt that I need a bodyguard was two years ago. As I was a language student came to study in Korea for the first time in my life on Sept. 2011. I have not known the cultural of Korea at all and I have been feared as a foreigner when I livid in a new country.
A week later after I arrived in Korea and I could not spoke English. While the way I was going to my school, I was spotting two women at the Hoegi station. They were taking two small plastic bags with the church brochures in them.
I felt a little scared at them because they were walking up to me without hesitation, and one of them was speaking to me very passionately, “ Hi, pretty girl! Do you know Korea Church? We also have the video of Chinese version. I’ll show you now.” then she showed me the video of the church cultural which on her phone. But I did not care of the cultural of church, the only thinking of mine was leaving here with the impressive speed at the moment. Well, they stopped my escape successfully because they gripped me as soon as possible. They seemed like to take me to their church and they did not want me to to home. I was numb with fear. I thought the two women so crazy.
The god knows how I need a bodyguard at this time! My friend was calling me by coincidently and his call rescued me then. He just like the angel who sent to watch over me at the moment.
I thought that the cultural of church of women was crazy in Korea. I never forget the moment they gripped me ! And on that day, my friend was the angel who rescued me. I need a bodyguard whenever I am in trouble.