Saturday, September 21, 2013

Choe Kyung-Yo/The first draft assignment(p.50-51)/Tue 3,4

<Misfortunes beget misfortunes>

 

My hometown is Gochang in Jeollabuk-do, so I go to see my family every other month. I usually start after I finish my last class on Thursday because I have no classes on Friday. And, of course, I come back on Sunday. Gochang is almost three hours distant from Seoul, technically speaking from Gangnam Express terminal.

 

It was just an ordinary Sunday afternoon as usual. There wasn't any strange feeling. Disasters, very often, creep up on us in this way. Quietly, Confidentially…

I usually leave home before 2p.m., but I wanted to stay more on that day. After I took a nap, I got on a bus at 4p.m. I didn't know at that time this 2 hours gap would make such a big difference.

 

"Bang-!" ----- "Bang-!"

I felt it was an traffic accident. It really was! It was a five-car rear-end collision. The former sound was made when we hit the car in front of us. And the latter was when the car behind of us hit us. Fortunately, the accident was not very serious compared to the sound it made. None of the passengers were hurt. So I thought we could start soon again. It, however, didn't take much time to prove that it was a vain hope. After 20 minutes, a policeman came in our bus. It was a sight I have seen only in a movie or TV. He asked passengers a few questions about circumstances surrounding the accident. We eventually could start after one hour. I comforted myself with the thought that I was not hurt at all. The five-car collision, however, was just a prelude. The real disaster didn't start at all.

 

I have never experienced such a traffic jam until the day. Hundreds of thousands of cars were all stopping on the freeway. It increased 3 hours which if nothing had happened, it normally would have took to 8 hours! The air in the bus was full of carbon dioxide. Most passengers looked like they gave up, actually I did. At first, I prayed for arriving before 8 and 9 and 10. In the end I just wanted to arrive before the sunrise.

 

All things have an end. We came to Seoul at last. As soon as I arrived at Gangnam Express bus terminal, the last misfortune, however, was waiting for me. The time, when I arrived there, was about 12:30. Yes! All subways and buses already stopped. All I could use was a taxi. What was worse, it suddenly started to rain, so I had to wait for a taxi. In a queue! In the rain! For over one hour! I can't express how I felt at that time.

 

Finally, when I arrived at my dormitory, I was about to cry. But I didn't, because I didn't want to spend my energy on such a thing.

 

Since this day, I have been using KTX or trains that guarantee punctuality rather than buses that have a lot of variables. Not only that, I made a new habit, which is when I plan something, I investigate its possible risk in advance. I came to be a very organized person. The day is still a memory that I want to forget, however, from that day I learned some lessons.

6 comments:

  1. From Saewhan to Kyung-Yo

    1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you tried to use as many vivid words as you could.

    2. Your main point seems to be a memory regarding a car accident.

    3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:

    "Bang-!" ----- "Bang-!"
    (I liked the sound effect because it made me feel as if I had been there at the moment.)

    4. Some things arent clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, and writing not lively):

    "I have been using KTX or trains that guarantee punctuality rather than buses that have a lot of variables"
    (It sounded like KTX guarantees buses. Maybe you might want to use another word apposite of punctuality.)

    5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to balance the length of each paragraph. That will make it look neat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. An yumi

    Your writing was very descriptive. It helps me capture the image inside my head easily. I really enjoyed it. Your main point seems to be what happened the day when you went back to your hometown and especially the car accident. I like the parts that you write out of the writing, speaking with your present voice: such as "The real disaster didn't start at all." "All things have an end." These makes your writing so narrative and makes your reader focus on what is going to happen next. And this part, "In a queue! In the rain! For over one hour!" when I was reading this part, I felt as if you shouted right beside of me. The biggiest improvement i think you could make is the paragraph division.

    ReplyDelete
  3. An yumi

    (I realized I miswrote one thing about your story in my reply. I was thinking "From home to Seoul," but I don't know why, all of a sudden, "when you went back to your hometown" just got written down...)

    )Q. What was one detail that made this experience seem real to you?
    A. There are many. But if I should pick up one thing, I would say this one. "It was a five-car rear-end collision." You could have written a simpler one like "a big car accident," but you described in detail what kind of car accident happened.

    Q. Were there any places where you got confused? If so, where were they?
    A. Everything is clear.

    Q. Reread the first paragraph of the essay. Do you think this is a good beginning? Does it make you feel like reading on?
    Actually, the first paragraph is my least favorite part in you writing. It is great. It gives all the basic background information for readers to understand why you were destined to experience those things. But I thought it might need some more. And then I found that If you put the next two paragraphs together with the first paragraph, it would make your writing more wonderful.

    Q. What basic verb tense does the writer use? If the writer changes tense, is the tense change appropriate?
    A. Basically, she used the past tense which is obviously right because she was writing about what happened in the past. But she sometimes changes the tense from the past to the present, in order to let the readers hear her present voice out of the the time "'I' in writing" was supposed to be. Such as "All things have an end." I think it cannot be more appropriate.

    Q. What would you like to know more about when the writer revises?
    A. It could be not a big thing, but I wonder how much you paid for the taxi... lol..

    ReplyDelete
  4. From Rho to Cho Kyung-Yo.

    a. Your experience seems real because of your vivid descriptions. For example, "Bang- Bang-".

    b. I have got lost when I read this sentence.
    "Gochang is almost three hours distant from Seoul, technically speaking from Gangnam Express terminal"
    What do you mean by "Technically speaking?". I cannot get it.

    c. At first, in my opinion, you would better change your title. The word 'beget' is an unfamiliar.
    Secondly, first paragraph is a little bit boring to me. It does not "hook" me.
    So, I recommend you to modify your first paragraph more interestingly.

    d. The basic tense is past tense and you actually changes tense a lot and most of the times, it fits well.

    e. How much was the Taxi costs? Why the road was full of cars? Is that because of the accident you involved?

    ReplyDelete
  5. [Final draft]



    Have you ever had a time where something bad happened in a row, for a day? I have. It was just an ordinary Sunday afternoon. There was not any strange feeling. Disasters, very often, creep up on us in this way. Quietly, Confidentially… When I go back to Seoul after having a great weekend at home, I usually take the bus at 2 p.m. or much earlier. I, however, wanted to stay home more on that day. After taking a nap, I got on the bus at exactly 4:20 p.m. I didn’t know at that time that this very small difference would make such a big one.

    “Bang-!” ----- “Bang-!”

    I thought a traffic accident happened. It really did! It was a five-car rear-end collision. The former sound was made when we hit the car in front of us. And the latter one was made when the car behind of us hit us. Fortunately, the accident was not very serious. None of the passengers were hurt. So I thought we were going to start soon again. But it was a vain hope. After 20 minutes, this policeman came in our bus. It was a sight I have seen only in a movie or TV. He asked passengers a few questions about the accident. After some examinations and our bus driver’s long apology, we started in the end. I comforted myself with the thought that I was not hurt at all. The five-car collision, however, was just a prelude. The real disaster didn’t start yet.

    Korea is one of those countries that are very notorious for their terrible traffic jam. But I have never experienced such a heavy one until that day. Hundreds of thousands of cars were all stopping on the freeway. The air in the bus began being full of carbon dioxide that all the passengers were making. Most of them-including me-looked like they gave up on-time arrival. I prayed for arriving before 8 p.m. at first. Over time I was pushing it back from 8 to 9, from 9 to 10 over and over again. In the end I just prayed for arriving before the sunrise.

    All things have an end. Despite the snail’s pace, we arrived in Seoul at last. As soon as I arrived at Gangnam Express bus terminal, the last misfortune was waiting for me. The time when I arrived there was about 12:30. Yes! All subways and buses already stopped. All I could use was a taxi, and other people were the same. There already was a very long queue for a taxi. To make matters worse, it suddenly started to rain, so I had to wait for a taxi. In a queue! In the rain! For over one hour! I can’t express how I felt that night. When I finally arrived at my dormitory, I was about to cry. But I couldn’t. I was drained of all my energy.

    I have got into this habit of using KTX or trains since that day, because buses relatively have much more variables than them. That’s why there is a possibility of not arriving on time. Not only that, I became a very organized person. I mean, when I plan something, I investigate all the possible risks it may have in advance. In our life, painful experiences sometimes teach some good lessons.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know why but the title was omitted.

    The title for second draft is "To make matters worse" which is different from the previous one.

    ReplyDelete