| I visited my friend living in Sydney during Chuseok holiday. When I finally got there after 10 hours tiring flight, I was so happy with all those exotic sights. But the joy didn't last long. It started to rain. It was the day we planned to go sandboarding at Stockton Beach. I thought it was impossible to sandboard on such a rainy day. I couldn't even cancel or change to another day because we'd already paid for it. When we joined the Port Stephens Sandboarding tour, there were many people worrying about the weather like us. But the guide told us to believe that it was going to be sunny soon. I couldn't believe it and was so disappointed. It was raining cats and dogs. When we finally got to the beach, however, it all stopped raining like a magic. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The sun was shining through the cloud. I was momentarily dazzled by the strong sunlight. Soon beautiful scenery spread out before my eyes. Silky sand and tumultuous ocean was visible. It was so beautiful. It was like half desert and half sea. To get in the middle of the sand, we got in a military hummer. We enjoyed driving on the sand at full speed. A car was bouncing and we enjoyed it. We got to the middle of the desert. There was a huge sand hill. It was almost like a vertical cliff of sand. The guide said that it is Australia's largest sand mass, years of winds managing to dump it all in the same place. At the top of the sand hill, I sat down on the board. I started racing from the top. It was so exciting. I left my fingers trailing behind myself in the sand. It was so fast. The sandboarding was such an exciting experience. I would never forget it. |
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Chae Ji Young/Tue 11am/2nd Assignment
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From HaeJoong To the writer
ReplyDeletewhat i like about this writing is that it is quite vivid. it's like i can picture what was going on in the beach well.
The improvement you can make is, i think, a bit of word choice....
but overall, the writing is good.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is its vividness and well-organized sturcture.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be the event that you were worried about because the weather was not nice and you already paid for it, but it stopped raining suddenly.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
( was momentarily dazzled by the strong sunlight.)
(I left my fingers trailing behind myself in the sand.)
I like them because it sounds poetic.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, and writing not lively):
(Australia's largest) Need improving because (the article is missing).
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to include some real conversations.
From Changhee To Jiyoung
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your essay. What I liked about your essay was that your topic was so interesting and your description was so vivid that I could imagine the scene.
Your main point seems to be visiting Australia and enjoying sandboarding. This is my suggestion. How about giving little information about sandboarding and describing you enjoying sandboarding more? I thought your topic was enjoying sandboarding, however there were not enought information and details about sandboarding. it will be better if you describe sandboarding more.
Jun-hee Kang
ReplyDeletea. "Silky sand and tumultuous ocean was visible" this description made me seem real.
b. There was no confustion when i was reading
c. I think is a good beginning but it could have been better to put the Sydney first to attract the readers.
d. she used past tenses
e. Too many points break the reading, use less point could make better.
From 201001450 Park Hyun-ju To Chae Ji-young
ReplyDeletea. What was one detail that made this experience seem real to you?
“I was momentarily dazzled by the strong sunlight. Soon beautiful scenery spread out before my eyes. Silky sand and tumultuous ocean was visible. It was so beautiful. It was like half desert and half sea. “
This made the experience seem real to me. Because it explains deeply and in detail about the scene writer saw.
b.Where there any places you got confused? If so, where were they?
There weren’t many parts which I found them confusing but when writer said that she was going to “ Port Stephens Sandboarding tour “ It wasn’t clear the name of tour and what was sandboarding.
c. Reread the first paragraph of the essay. Do you think this is a good beginning? Does it make you feel like reading one? Explain.
“I visited my friend living in Sydney during Chuseok holiday. When I finally got there after 10 hours tiring flight, I was so happy with all those exotic sights.” This first line caught my attention because it was an unusual experience to go that far away during Chuseok holiday and I was curious about why the writer went to Sydney and what she did there. But I think it will be better to add more detail information in first paragraph.
d.What basic verb tense does the writer use? If the writer changes tense, is tense changing appropriate?
Past verb tense is mostly used.
e.What would you like to know more about when the writer revises?
I want to know more detailed information and descriptions of writer’s feeling.
More effective and interesting ending and to add quotations for remaining the reader’s attention.will be good